Captains Log : EARTH DATE : 2009 : July : 1

Today I passed a Benefit-Poo... the Poo you do when pooing only once every three days because of a lack of food in the cupboard. (Artistic-hazaard)

The Benefit-Poo begins with the usual urgency of a Delayed-Poo (which is the Poo you keep putting off because you're having too much fun doing something else) – But

Size : Shape : Consistency : Color

In another life I worked as a Flooring Contractor...  and one time when I was replacing the carpet in two very long passage-ways of a Christchurch Geriatric Hospital... and when I went to use the toilet... and the only toilets available to me were the cubicles that were used by the Patients..

The Perfect-Poo

or sometimes referred to as an Immaculate-Movement or a Divine-Dump.

The Perfect-Poo cannot be planned, it just happens. Usually you don't realize you have passed a Perfect-Poo until

The Goliath-(Perfect)-Poo

Is like passing the mother ship and as with all Perfect-Poos, passes without pain and breaks cleanly. But this is where it stops being perfect...

The Precious-Perfect-Poo

Again, no pain and clean break. However, the Precious-Perfect-Poo is a lot smaller than its cousins. Sometimes it drops from 'Perfect' status and doesn't quite break as cleanly as you would like.

Snowfreeze-Shit-Poo

Unlike the Perfect-Poo, the Snowfreeze-Shit-Poo has no end at all, it goes on forever. Oozing out like dirty toothpaste from an endless tube. Sometimes you think you are finished so you start the clean up process only to be overcome by

The Pile-Driver-Poo

Or the Rectum-Ripper, is the first Poo you do after an extended period of constipation. This is not a dump for the faint hearted as it has been known to reduce even an athlete to tears. Take water in with you for these nasty buggers,

The Anomaly-Pile-Driver

Is malformed deep within the bowl regions. Instead of the normal cylinderal shape the Anomaly-Pile-Driver comes out looking more like a Small-Sack-0f-Spuds, if you can get it out that is. It's not unusual for the poor Sod trying to pass one of these unbelievable things to just give up.

The Break-away-Pile-Driver-Poo

This is the biggest Rip-Off-Poo of them all...


You feel like you have a three-foot Pile-Driver-Poo backed up and after thirty minutes of grunting and groaning

Pile-Driver-Snowfreeze-Combo

First one then a lot of the other...

Say no more...

The-Ring-Razor-Poo

Is a particularly hard crap with nasty little sharp objects embedded in it. It's a real Rectum-Shredder! The Ring-Razor-Poo uses these nasty little sharp objects to slice its way through to freedom.

The Haunted-Hole-Poo

Or the Ghost-Poo, whilst technically it is not really a Poo it does deserves a mention for it's potential to be a Poo... and it is like a haunted house - all the signs are there; the unnatural odor; you feel the presence but

The Demonic-Dump-Poo

More commonly known as the Butt-Burner, is the Dump-From-Hell.


The Demonic-Dump-Poo doesn't just come upon you, it possesses you...

Chronic-Crap-Poo

This has got to be the Nastiest-of-all-Crap. It starts with the most urgent of all feelings and quickly turns to panic as you race for the nearest loo clutching your butt...

The Screaming-Mee-Mees

Named as such because of the way they scream out your butt at a ga-zillion miles an hour covering EVERYTHING between the water and you... and all you can think is,

Why Meeee.... (?)

The Squirts

Nastiest of all Chronic-Crap-Poos and a total paradox because it's like doing Lumpy-Wees out of your bum. You'd think it'd be easy, clean and painless but it's not.

Porridge-Poo

Is a milder form of Chronic-Crap-Poo and is actually an equally proportioned mixture of Chronic-Crap-Poo and Snowfreeze-Shit-Poo...

Other Observations

Whether you've eaten them or not, on close inspection, All-Poos have pieces of peanuts in them, just like all spews have tiny pieces of carrot.

But with Poos there is a direct correlation between smell and colour. Darker the better. Lighter the stinkier.

Nervous-Poos cannot be categorized because it takes on so many characteristics and is just plain freaky...  and probably the only Poo turned on by unnatural forces...  

Perhaps a Nervous-Poo could be further clarified through the following Poo types:  

• Industry-Standard-Poo;  
• Multiple Industry-Standard-Poos at fifteen minute intervals;  
• One Industry-Standard-Poo with multiple Breaks-off-Poos and at five minute intervals;
• Snowfreeze-Shit-Poo with Industry-Standard-Poo chaser;  
• Standard-Industry-Standard-Poo with Haunted-Hole-Poo chaser and followed quickly by a Snowfreeze-Shit-Poo with a Mild-Chronic-Hybrid-Poo and completed with the first Break-Off-Poo of the next Industry-Standard Poo.

 Shitting yourself with fear is just embarrassing.

There is no chivalry in holding it in when on a date, that's really stupid because it backs up and gives you bad breath.

Better out than in!

Better an empty house than a bad tenant!

Arse wiping is an art form of itself and is as diverse as those who indulge.