Captains Log : EARTH DATE : 2009 : July : 1

Today I passed a Benefit-Poo... the Poo you do when pooing only once every three days because of a lack of food in the cupboard. (Artistic-hazaard)

The Benefit-Poo begins with the usual urgency of a Delayed-Poo (which is the Poo you keep putting off because you're having too much fun doing something else) – But

Size : Shape : Consistency : Color

In another life I worked as a Flooring Contractor...  and one time when I was replacing the carpet in two very long passage-ways of a Christchurch Geriatric Hospital... and when I went to use the toilet... and the only toilets available to me were the cubicles that were used by the Patients..

The Perfect-Poo

or sometimes referred to as an Immaculate-Movement or a Divine-Dump.

The Perfect-Poo cannot be planned, it just happens. Usually you don't realize you have passed a Perfect-Poo until

The Goliath-(Perfect)-Poo

Is like passing the mother ship and as with all Perfect-Poos, passes without pain and breaks cleanly. But this is where it stops being perfect...

The Precious-Perfect-Poo

Again, no pain and clean break. However, the Precious-Perfect-Poo is a lot smaller than its cousins. Sometimes it drops from 'Perfect' status and doesn't quite break as cleanly as you would like.

Snowfreeze-Shit-Poo

Unlike the Perfect-Poo, the Snowfreeze-Shit-Poo has no end at all, it goes on forever. Oozing out like dirty toothpaste from an endless tube. Sometimes you think you are finished so you start the clean up process only to be overcome by

The Pile-Driver-Poo

Or the Rectum-Ripper, is the first Poo you do after an extended period of constipation. This is not a dump for the faint hearted as it has been known to reduce even an athlete to tears. Take water in with you for these nasty buggers,